forgive your past

<3

as we struggle upwards towards the light

and work our hearts out to dispell dark night

we drop to bended knee and pray

that crumbs of truth will fall our way

whAt its like

i used to be a genius writer. someone who filled page after page every time something hurt or bothered me. i don’t know where that went and i don’t know why i can’t get it back.

i think a lot of people in this residence don’t understand me

i think a lot of people in residence think their boyfriend bitching at them is the end of the fucking world.

my head spins when people here talk.

like “oh my god, how am i supposed to tell my boyfriend i’m drinking tonight? he is going to be so mad at me!”

SHUT THE FUCK UP 

my head also spins when my boyfriend talks. i don’t fucking care about what motorcyle you want to buy or how shitty work was today because your co-worker was rude to you. i really, don’t care how much muscle you’ve built in the past year. i hate when you stare in the mirror and flex. you look like an asshole.

i want to be kind, i want to care what is bothering my friends and boyfriends. but that’s not easy when you want to be like “what the fuck? do you even know what problems are?”

try losing the one man in your life you can trust. the one man who loved you unconditionally and stood up for you. knowing you’ll never ever see him or talk to him again. try losing every memory of him you used to have. little things come back, but just sporatically. mostly the things that come back are him dying. you have no sweet fucking clue what that’s like. you don’t.

or maybe, when the person you loved with your heart, the guy who believed in you and was your perfect partner - losing him. watching while he just walks the fuck away from you.. well maybe i walked away from him. but it makes me sick.

or sitting here every moment of every fucking day wondering where you could be right now if you had made another choice. i could have a baby, and him. with him. perfection. right now - misery

it’s been a year and a half since i’ve done anything to myself. i don’t think people actually understand the temptations that go hand in hand with that. i’d forgotten until i recently got so depressed. it keeps coming back into my brain.

i just wanna be happy. i wanna stop thinking about my abortion and my suicide attempts and troy dying and adam forgetting me and my friends here not knowing or understanding anything about me.. or anything about anything

im just getting tired of hearing people complain about nothing.. like i could have a whole fuck of a lot to complain about but i shut my mouth.

but, the point is…

lent started today. i’m gonna get all my thoughts together and fix myself. i’m gonna get some anti depressants and try to move the fuck on, and stop feeling this way. i wanna be me. who i was, before all of this. years ago. i had something in me then, i loved myself. i wanna stop hating myself. that’s my goal for lent.

“here is the truth, i used to be fun, go ahead run run run.. change this feeling under my feet, wont you change the sheets then change me”